


for the agony i'd rather know

by retts



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Booker is Sad, Joe is mad and protective, M/M, Punishment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:41:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25530757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retts/pseuds/retts
Summary: ‘Don’t you dare ask for my sympathy when you willingly handed Nicky over to be tortured. You wanted us to suffer, Booker. If you didn’t, you would have given yourself up to be examined like a rat and left us alone.’Shame was like acid in his throat. ‘Yes,’ said Booker hoarsely, ‘because you have no business being so goddamn happy while the rest of us are the exact opposite.’
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 20
Kudos: 385





	for the agony i'd rather know

**Author's Note:**

> so this is different! i havent written angst in a long time :)))
> 
> there's a detail in the comics that the movie left out and that's the result of the experiments and i've never seen that mentioned in fics, so i wanted to do it lol
> 
> and torture poor booker even more
> 
> also, andy and booker fought it out in the desert which IS GREAT GO READ THE COMICS EVERYONE it's so well written, beautifully drawn, and the stories and characters are even more complex

Booker expected the knock but not the person on the other side of the door. He glanced down at Joe’s hands.

‘If you’re going to kill me, let’s go outside. You know what a bitch it is to clean blood from carpets,’ said Booker, his hand staying on the doorknob instead of reaching for the gun holstered in his back.

‘Nicky made me promise,’ said Joe, which made Booker relax a fraction. That was an unbreakable vow.

Booker took a step back and swept his arm towards the room. ‘Care for a drink?’

Joe said nothing as he stepped inside, his cold eyes sliding away from Booker. Those were the eyes of someone scoping out their next target. Booker had never been on the receiving end of it. Andy’s eyes had burned with rage. Nicky’s had shuttered, the warm trust gone. The look in Joe’s eyes was cold enough to slice as cleanly as his scimitar.

Booker picked up his glass from the bedside table and downed the rest of the whiskey. ‘If it makes you feel any better, Andy already beat the living shit out of me.’

Joe shook his head and crossed his arms, frown tugging the corners of his lips down. ‘It doesn’t.’

‘Ah. Well.’ Booker shrugged and raised his arms to the side. ‘Do you want a free cut?’

Joe’s fingers twitched. His frown deepened. Booker turned around and picked up the bottle and poured a generous amount into the glass. His liver was going to be dead by tomorrow.

‘Are you going to ask me why? Why, Booker? How could you, Booker?’

There was no answer. The back of his neck prickled, acutely aware of showing his vulnerable back to a hostile opponent. The alcohol didn’t burn as much as the thought that he’d turned his family into his enemies. He wouldn't get a chance to get to know Nile better. She was a smart kid. Strong and resilient. Different from the anger that kept Andy going or the despair that drove Booker to try and end things.

‘I’m so goddamn tired,’ said Booker, bowing his head and pressing the cold rim of the glass to his brow. ‘I hate watching you and Nicky as much as I love it. You two walk beside Andy and I on a lighter path. We are forced to live in shadows to avoid discovery but our yearning for company does not cease. You and Nicky have each other, making the choice not to connect with the rest of humanity an easy one. What do I have to make it as easy, Joe? My drink? My guns? You became my family, but I had to lose the ones already in my heart to have you. I wanted to die and meet them again and beg their forgiveness.’ The words were on the tip of Booker’s tongue, dangerous as a bullet, and he let them loose, anyway: ‘Imagine it, Joe, if you had to live on without Nicky by your side. Maybe then you’d sympathise.’

Like the knock, Booker expected the attack. He didn’t resist, his body slamming against the wall with a painful jolt that he felt in every bone in his body. Joe didn’t hold back. A strong arm pressed against the back of his neck, limiting his airway. The glass shattered in his hand, cutting deeply into his palm, the alcohol adding to the sting until the wound closed itself. 

‘Don’t you dare ask for my sympathy when you willingly handed Nicky over to be tortured. You wanted us to suffer, Booker. If you didn’t, you would have given yourself up to be examined like a rat and left us alone.’

Shame was like acid in his throat. ‘Yes,’ said Booker hoarsely, ‘because you have no business being so goddamn happy while the rest of us are the exact opposite.’

‘Nicky died fourteen times in rapid succession. Me, twenty. We had barely come back before we were killed again.’

Booker closed his eyes.

‘Any of them could have been our last. The best thing in the world is mine to lose and the fear of that is more than you will ever understand.' Joe pushed harder. 'And do you know what they discovered after carving out pieces of us like we were meat, Booker? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.’

Booker let out a sharp wheeze, his chest twisting from the lack of oxygen and more.

‘Nothing in our blood, nothing in our brain, nothing at all to set us apart from the rest of the world. We are healthy men, just that.’ Joe pushed his thumb down on Booker’s jugular. ‘Does this bring you comfort, I wonder? All of that pain from your betrayal, the loss of trust, of our family and you have nothing to show for it. How pathetic.’

Suddenly, Brooker could breathe again and he reflexively pressed a palm to his throat. He turned around and saw Joe already making his way to the door, the line of his shoulders rigid with tension. Booker still felt as if there was someone squeezing the life out of him. He started to lift his hand, suddenly and fiercely wanting one of Joe’s big hugs. He stopped and curled his fingers in one by one until his arm fell down back to his side.

‘Is this my punishment, then?’ asked Booker before Joe could leave. The knowledge that he had finally and truly lost everything without the hope of a final death to escape from the anguish.

‘No, that’s for breaking Nicky’s heart. It’s going to be worse, I promise you.’

The door didn’t even slam behind Joe as he left. There was only the softest of clicks, followed by the silence and stillness that meant Booker was alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> if you could leave a comment and a kudos, that would be so nice. stay safe, everyone! :)
> 
> come and cry with me on my tumblr (clarespace.tumblr.com) and leave me a prompt, i could always use more ideas


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